who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
