My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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