I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
