we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
