He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
