dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize