This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
