i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
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