Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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