btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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