someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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