i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize