i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
