oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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