Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Text me some of your sweat
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
