If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Randomize