You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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