Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
