just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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