Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
