So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
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