some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
she told me i tasted like america
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
