her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
