if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Randomize
