So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
