Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
