Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
