Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Did you just see the Batmobile???
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
what is it with giant penises always finding me
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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