I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
People are allowed to visit it's just they can't be from Germany and have to wear masks.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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