I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
