I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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