You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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