I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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