It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
