I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
