Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize