"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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