I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
