i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
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