dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
