1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
