I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Randomize
