ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I intend to get homeless drunk
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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