If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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