you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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