gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
