God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize