Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
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