i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
