I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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