Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize