Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
