matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
