Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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