oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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