I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
