when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
