Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
