Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize
