Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Randomize
