The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
