Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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