i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize